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Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer
We begin the review with Bob wearing a springy-looking Santa hat. Bob: Hey, everyone. It's that special time of year once again, and as such, I think it's time to talk about a very important Christmas icon: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. The main theme from the original Christmas special plays over Bob's commentary. Bob: *voiceover* Now, I know what you're thinking: didn't I already do a review about Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer? Well, yes. Yes, I did. But while that movie was a completely separate entity from the original Rankin/Bass classic that we all know and love, today we're going to be looking at "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer & The Island of Misfit Toys", which is a sequel ''to the original Rankin/Bass classic that we all know and love. And, strangely enough, both of these movies were made by Goodtimes Entertainment. '''Bob:' Because failing at doing a Rudolph movie once just wasn't enough, I guess. *voiceover, sarcastic* Our sequel begins in a tradition of the original by showing us some traditional stop-motion animation, and isn't it just gorgeous? It's so fluid, it almost looks like it's terribly lit, terribly rendered CGI, doesn't it? And our first bit of character animation is a rocking horse looking like it's going down on us. The rocking horse moves closer to the bottom frame on its own with a lifeless gaze. Bob: The Christmas season may have Noel, but there is still plenty of room for NSFW. *voiceover* We then hear some strange flute music, which hypnotizes all these toys into being abducted by this guy. Male Voice: And that's the scoundrel behind the secret serenade. Bob: Orko from He-Man? Male Voice: Mr. Heebie-Jeebies himself, otherwise known as... the Toy Taker. Bob: Mr. Heebie-Jeebies, huh?... Because it's not enough that you have to rip off "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer", now you have to rip off Mr. Oogie Boogie, too? *voiceover* So he goes around the world stealing toys in his zeppelin, oh the subtlety, and our narrator introduces himself. Scoop T. Snowman: Name's Scoop T. Snowman, ace reporter for the Christmastown Chronicle, the North Pole's best-selling newspaper. *beat* The North Pole's only newspaper. Bob: *voiceover* And for those of you who can't pick out celebrity voices, Scoop here is voiced by Richard Dreyfuss. Cut to a picture of Richard Dreyfuss as Matt Hooper in the film, "Jaws". Bob: *voiceover* Oh yeah, that ''Richard Dreyfuss. The things people will do for a paycheck, I guess. You may also notice that the snowman's eyes never look in the same direction. '''Bob:' Clearly, this is where the animation team for the "Alpha and Omega" sequels got their start. *voiceover* Anyway, we jump back to a time not too long ago, where Rudolph is once again in his childhood, but this is still somehow happening immediately after that foggy Christmas Eve that he saved when he was a young adult. Cut once again to the scene from "Atop the Fourth Wall" featuring Linkara sitting on the bed with his arms crossed, and Phelan Porteous A.K.A. Phelous leaning into the shot and giving two thumbs up. Phelous: *sarcastic* Great continuity! Then, cut to a clip from Goodtimes' "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: The Movie". Bob: *voiceover* And I gotta give some credit to the movie we saw last year. At least they made the effort to make their ''reindeer look distinct from each other. The only reindeer on Santa's sleigh team we can tell from the others is Comet, and that's only because he's wearing that ball-cap and whistle that he was wearing when coaching the reindeer games. They throw a little party to celebrate Rudolph saving this last Christmas, which is happening in a castle that looks nothing like Santa's castle from the first movie, and Rudolph walks off with his main squeeze, Clarice. Nice fruit bowl (Actually a plate) you have there, Hermey. Very suggestive. And instead of having some heartwarming dialogue where Clarice tells Rudolph how proud she is of what he's done, or how he couldn't have done it without her encouragement and how important they are to each other, they just frolic in the snow while a pop song plays in the background, making me cringe with the horrific possibilities of where this scene could possibly go. '''Bob:' Is it me? Somebody please tell me it's not me! Why do so many of the movies I review end up having these weird, awkward love scenes with little children? *voiceover* They go back inside, and Rudy's approached by a little fawn who wants his autograph, which he is able to write, thanks to him stepping in his own dung, I guess, and for some reason, she has two sets of upper teeth. I don't get it. And then he uses his nose to light a disco ball to get the party jumpin'. And this one girl asking for an autograph and this one other instance of him using his nose for the enjoyment of his peers is enough to get him to hate his new celebrity status. Rudolph: Guess I'm just a novelty act around here... Bob: *as Rudolph* Oh, why can't I just go back to the days when everyone laughed at me and I was a disappointment to my father? Things were so much simpler then! *voiceover, normal* But suddenly, a kite from the Island of Misfit Toys shows up to tell Hermey of some terrible news: King Moonracer has a toothache! I'm not entirely sure why Hermey was the first guy to come to- Cut to a clip from the original special where Hermey is holding a pair of pliers, having yanked out all of the Abominable Snow Monster's teeth. Bob: *voiceover* -and it's not like he's a very accomplished dentist, after all. He and Rudolph go off in Hermey's mobile dentist office, and I think it's worth pointing out that Hermey here is voiced by Scott McNeil, who you may remember as half the cast of Beast Wars. Cut to a picture of Rattrap, Dinobot, Waspinator, and Silverbolt, the characters Scott voiced in "Beast Wars: Transformers". Bob: And, sadly, we do not get a scene where Hermey says, "We're all gonna die." *voiceover* Rudolph starts to complain about how he'd like to have a normal nose, which of course has to segue into a song about how he should be OK with it. Cut to the musical number from the original special, "We're a Couple of Misfits". Bob: *voiceover* You know, like the one they had in the first movie. Hermey: *singing* Stick your nose out, put your antlers high, enjoy the world you see so what if you're a little bit funny *spoken* Hey, you still got me! Bob: '*voiceover* Uhh, Hermey? Who's driving the Dentistmobile here? ''Suddenly, a crashing noise is heard, accompanied by the screen shaking, and the Dentistmobile sinking into the icy water. '''Bob: *voiceover* No, of course they somehow get to the Island of Misfit Toys just fine, and we get a song where the toys introduce themselves. Cut to the Misfit Toys' musical number in the original special, "The Most Wonderful Day of the Year". Bob: *voiceover* Again, just like we had in the first movie, except this song sounds like it's more suited for slave labor than happy introductions. While the song plays, Bob makes digging motions in time with the melody. Bob: *voiceover* And since telling us about these new toys in the song ''wasn't enough, now we get to meet them one by one. *sarcastic* Yippee! '''Peggy the Pig: '''I'm Peggy, the piggy bank. Only thing is, they forgot to give me a slot. *chuckles* You hear that? Nothing. I'm all empty inside. I need ''change! Bob: *imitating Chester A. Bum* CHANGE?! YOU GOT CHANGE?! AW, COME ON! HELP A GUY OUT WILL 'YA?! Boomerang: You think you got problems, mate? I'm the boomerang that doesn't come back! *launches himself* G'day...! Bob: *voiceover, as Boomerang* I'm off to review horror films! Save a screen for me! *normal voice* They find King Moonracer, and while they proceed to deal with his toothache, we see Santa Claus upping up the security of his toy cache. And Santa just happens to be voiced by Garry Chalk. Scenes of Garry Chalk's roles from both "A Christmas Story 2" and "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: The Movie" are shown beside each other. Bob: *voiceover* Because it wouldn't be Christmastime with Bobsheaux if he didn't make an appearance, right? Santa Claus: We can't be too careful with this Toy Taker on the loose. As Santa turns off the lights in his toy warehouse, a voiceover plays. Voice*: We better start increasing the base defenses. Bob: *voiceover* But, shock of all shocks, simply closing the doors and putting two toy soldiers on guard duty isn't enough to stop the Toy Taker from taking the toys. We jump back to Rudolph and Hermey, and Rudolph reveals that he's having trouble telling Clarice about his real feelings for her as they make their way back home. Hermey then has a little flashback where he talks about how he has the same problem, only the object of his affections is the Tooth Fairy, who I guess runs a dental academy for elves, despite being the only elf in history to have any kind of interest in dentistry. Bob: Thanks for taking Hermey, the misfit elf, and turning him into just another face in the crowd, movie. *voiceover* They soon run into a rainstorm, which leaves them shipwrecked on another island. They come across a sign that reads, "Welcome to Castaway Cove. No trespassing, darling". First of all, who wrote this, Cruella de Vil? Second, why is the light from Rudolph's nose passing through it? Is it a hologram or something? Third, how do you welcome new arrivals to the island, and then follow it up with "No trespassing"? It might as well say, "Hi, come in and go away". After being taken prisoner by a gingerbread man dressed up like a Queen's Guard- Bob: You heard me. *voiceover* They're taken to the underground palace of Queen Camilla, who is a hippopotamus with butterfly wings. Cut to a scene from "Tentacolino", where a jack-in-the-box/fish hybrid named Pingo is throwing a rave party. Bob: *voiceover* And suddenly I can't help but wonder if this is actually a sequel to "Tentacolino". But unlike that stupid rave that Pingo was throwing, Camilla sings a song that actually has a point to it, as she exposits that she collects old, run-down toys and fixes them up. And to this movie's credit, it actually is kind of catchy. But that might be just because it sounds like it's ripping off "Friends from the Other Side". Both Queen Camilla and Doctor Facilier's respective songs play to show their similarities. (Note: This movie was released eight years before Disney's "The Princess and the Frog".) Bob: *voiceover* By the way, that's Jamie Lee Curtis playing Camilla here. Hopefully, Michael Myers isn't too far away. But it turns out that Camilla doesn't actually do ''anything with the toys once she's done sprucing them up. I guess she's never thought of a little thing called eBay or something. Rudolph tells her that Santa can find homes for them, and in gratitude, Camilla offers to give Rudolph anything that he wants. One would think the most obvious thing would be to have their ship repaired, but instead, he just asks for a normal nose. '''Bob:' Yeah, that big character arc where Rudolph learns that you can't run away from your troubles and he learns to accept the unusual? Yeah, forget about that. *as Rudolph* I just want to be normal! *voiceover, normal* Actually, Rudolph backs out of the nose job after Hermey suggests that Clarice might not like it, since you know, her opinion is more important than being Santa's ace in the hole, and then Camilla's gingerbread mechanics fix up their ship and they go back home, safe and sound. And by the way, we're about halfway through this movie, and so far the only thing relevant to the plot that we've seen is the Toy Taker breaking into Santa's warehouse. They should've called this movie "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and the Island of Misfit Padding". Anyway, Rudolph meets up with Clarice, and she practices her flying with him. She's having a hard time staying off the ground, but Rudolph confessing his love for her inspires her to really take off. Rudolph: Clarice! You're flying! Bob points his finger and cues for "Up Where We Belong" by Joe Cocker to start playing, giving allusions to the "Alpha and Omega" series. Bob: *voiceover* Santa gathers everyone and tells them that all of their toys have been stolen. So I guess that means that they're just gonna have to make new toys, right? Elf Foreman: We can't make up for a year's worth in three days! There's just not enough time! Bob: Wait, what? We only have three days until Christmas? When did this story begin again?! Scoop T. Snowman: '''*earlier in the film* It all started at the Christmas parade. '''Bob: *voiceover* So the story begins during the Christmas parade, which sounds to me like it should be happening on December 25th, Rudolph and Hermey go to the Island of Misfit Toys and Castaway Cove the next day, and I think we're back here in Christmastown the day after that. Bob: I mean, I know that we're supposed to have a ticking clock, so that the saving of Christmas can seem all the more urgent, but I don't think a year is supposed to last only six days. *voiceover* But that's OK, because Rudolph has an idea. Rudolph: What if we catch the Toy Taker, and get the toys back by Christmas? Bob: *singing* Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, just forgot that he just *quickly* met someone who's been collecting toys for years and that they're waiting for just this opportunity... Idiot. *voiceover* So instead of doing the obvious thing and going to Castaway Cove and the Island of Misfit Toys, which remember, this movie is named ''after, they set out to capture the Toy Taker, who could be hiding ''anywhere on the planet in the three days that they have before Christmas. Cut to a picture of a Toys R Us coupon for a free Hot Wheels car or Littlest Pet Shop animal. Bob: *voiceover* At this point, it'd be easier for Santa to print out coupons that say "Good for one free toy at Toys R Us". Sure it's not a perfect solution, but hey, at least it's plausible. They look at a map of where the Toy Taker has struck, and they deduce that Castaway Cove and the Island of Misfit Toys must be his next target, simply because he hasn't been there yet. Yeah, never mind the rest of the planet that he's ignored up until now, these little pinpricks of land that nobody knows about would clearly be next on his list. We then finally meet the Toy Taker, as he drops off his latest catch at his secret hideout, and he reveals that he takes toys to save them from the heartbreak of having their children outgrow them. Toy Taker: Children may love toys at first, but it's a fickle love that never ''lasts! ''Suddenly, his song number starts playing. Toy Taker: *singing* You think I'm mean and a nasty fiend 'cause I'm known for stealing lots of toys but close your ear to those things you hear they're lies from sneaky, little girls and boys But I am a wonderful guy I'd never treat a toy the way those children do and though you may not wanna go the Toy Taker, that's me, will take care of you! Bob: And that's actually not a bad ''motivation for a villain, per se. Hey, I'm all for villains doing something out of a misplaced sense of love or something, but I do have one question: what is he supposed to do after he dies? I mean, he wants to save all these toys from falling into disrepair and all that, and that's fine, but... he's not gonna be around forever. So, what are these toys supposed to do once he's gone? *voiceover* And honestly, great voice acting by Rick Moranis here. If I didn't look it up on IMDB, I wouldn't be able to tell that that's him. But what's really strange is that that doesn't sound like him singing here. It's not like Moranis can't sing, so why did they need to get a different singing voice for the Toy Taker? ''Cut to another clip of the Toy Taker's song, except with "Grow For Me" from the film version of "Little Shop of Horrors" dubbed over it. Bob: *voiceover* Anyway, Rudolph and his pals go to Castaway Cove, but the Toy Taker has apparently taken all of Camilla's toys off-screen. And yet, somehow, he's not fast enough to have immediately absconded with Moonracer's toys, too. Weird. Rudolph gets the idea to dress himself up and his friends like toys and let the Toy Taker abduct them, and suddenly, I can't help but wonder why Yukon Cornelius doesn't just shoot the guy since, remember, he did ''have a gun in the first movie, or why no one just thought of letting the Bumble here step on the guy until he tells them where the toys are. You got an ''Abominable Snowman the size of a house, ''but all you guys are too stupid to use him! By the way, just listen to the Bumble roar with rage at the Toy Taker. ''A clip of the Abominbable Snow Monster A.K.A. Bumble, dressed up in a pink rabbit onesie and roaring, which sounds a tad too goofy when compared to the original film. Bob: *voiceover* Wow, is that lame. Bob: Show of hands, who else was absolutely terrified of the Bumble when they were kids? *raises his hand, voiceover* Anyway, they have a little chase with the Toy Taker through his blimp, Yukon gets dumped with the Bumble, who is able to catch up with them somehow? And Hermey takes control of the ship. Yeah, give the helm to someone who can't even see past ''it. Genius! The Toy Taker jumps ship and escapes into Yukon's peppermint mine- '''Bob:' Oh, uh, yeah. Umm, for those of you who have been watching Rudolph on VHS for years and years, uh, when they released the DVD, they put in a scene which I guess was lost for whatever reason, where Yukon actually throws up his pickaxe and licks it at the very end- *imitates Yukon Cornelius's licking motion* and he finally discovers what he's been looking for this whole movie. Not gold or silver, but peppermint... Again, weird. *voiceover* And Rudolph and Clarice chase after him. The Toy Taker hops into a mine cart and starts riding away while Rudolph and Clarice do the same and pursue him. Rudolph: Hope you like roller coasters. Clarice: Love 'em. Bob: You love them? How many roller coasters have you been on? *voiceover* So, yeah, now we're ripping off "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom". That ''belongs in a Rudolph movie, right? After Hermey and the Bumble make a safe crash-landing, they all somehow catch up with Rudolph despite not knowing that they're down here, and Yukon lassoes the Toy Taker. '''Rudolph:' Let's see who he really is... Yukon Cornelius pulls back the floss, and then cut to a scene from "Wayne's World", where a mask is pulled off of some man being handled by two police officers. Wayne: *off-screen* Why, it's Old Man Withers! The guy who runs the haunted amusement park! Old Man Withers: I would've gotten away with it, too, if it hadn't been for you snooping kids! Bob: *voiceover* Actually, it turns out to be... ...An old, worn-out teddy bear named Mr. Cuddles. Mr. Cuddles: Pay no attention to the teddy bear behind the cloak! I am the Toy Taker! Fear me! Raah, blah! Rudolph: But... you're just a teddy bear on stilts. Bob: Ohh, boy, is that a lame twist. *voiceover* So, apparently, he has a backstory that's just a blatant rip-off of Jessie's backstory from "Toy Story 2". He loves his kid, he gets forgotten, blah blah blah. Of course, the biggest question on my mind is where the hell did he get that blimp? ''How did he learn to play the flute? How did he figure out a song which can hypnotize every toy everywhere? How can he even play that flute or do anything if his costume arms are longer than his real arms? Why did he even need a disguise in the first place? Wouldn't it be better for his cause if the toys he's rescuing could actually ''see that he's a teddy bear who's had the endure the indignities of being cast off from someone who once loved him? Oh, yeah, and where the hell did he get that blimp?! ''Ugh, so Santa tells him that his owner was actually ''looking ''for him this whole time- '''Bob:' So then, why did he even throw his bear away? ''*voiceover* And Camilla stitches him back up. She also offers to give Rudolph the nose job that he kinda sorta wanted, but of course, he turns her down, since... you know, his nose is still pretty freakin' useful, just like he learned in the ''last ''movie. So they load up Santa's sleigh, and after a brief interlude with Hermey going on a date with the Tooth Fairy- *sarcastic* yeah, his passing interest in her was so viable to the plot- Santa's first stop is to the home of the bear's former owner. He's all grown up now, but instead of giving the bear back to him, Santa gives him to his owner's baby daughter. ''Santa places Mr. Cuddles into the young girl's crib, causing her to wake up and cuddle with him. Mr. Cuddles: This is the happiest day of my life. Bob: *beat* OK, that's... actually pretty sweet. *voiceover* And in typical Christmas movie fashion, the movie comes to a close as Santa flies off into the night, wishing a merry Christmas to all. Bob: And so, that was "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and the Island of Misfit Toys", and... it's not the worst ''thing I've ever seen. *shrugs, voiceover* Now don't get me wrong, this is bad. The title makes absolutely no sense because the movie ''isn't ''about the Island of Misfit Toys, the animation looks like something out of an early 90s CD-rom game, the writing is full of contrivances, it's really baffling how they were able to get some of these big names to do the voice acting, Rudolph learns the same lesson he learned from the first movie, the music is a mixed bag with some songs being a little catchy amidst a sea of mediocrity, but on the other hand, the villain had a pretty believable and sympathetic motivation behind him, and I'm not gonna lie to you, the ending ''does ''make it hard to outright hate this movie. '''Bob:' Of course, it still doesn't come anywhere close to the original, but hey. At least it's still less annoying than "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: The Movie". See you next time. After Bob signs off, the version of Noel from "Animaniacs" plays over the end credits. Finally, we got one last replay of the rocking horse in the beginning of the film approaching the bottom frame. Category:Transcripts Category:Mixed Bags Category:Franchises That Went Bad Throughout Time